...are really good.





the whole album is just quality. so good.

TED always has such interesting videos. this one I just watched - Jonathan Haidt on the moral roots of liberals and conservatives - gets to the heart of where my thoughts have been for a long time now with regard to political ideology: that the political/sociological dichotomy of left-right are complementary to eachother - like yin and yang, as he observes. it's nice to see it put so succinctly; my thoughts invariably refuse to line up and come out right.

i'm not a liberal person, and i'm not a conservative person. i have certain leanings on particular issues, of course, one way or the other. but i've never been able to get on board with any "team." i think in order to be fully committed to an ideological viewpoint, one must necessarily be against any opposing viewpoint. that's just not possible for me on a lot of issues. i have always had (at the risk of sounding pretentious) a tendency to seek truth, and i've found, far more often than not, if i look hard enough there is usually truth to be found on either side of an issue. it's the people that decide which version of truth matters to them, often to the detriment of their ability acknowledge the validity of the opposing view. i can't do that. i can't accept only one version of things and reject all others. i need to know all sides and deliberate internally a lot (on "important" issues at least. though i often find i do it on trivial issues, too, occasionally to my own and others' agitation.) i suspect it's a never ending process. that probably makes me a highly ineffectual "waffler." oh well.

this idea of seeing beyond the left-right duality, seeking truth and balance, is an important one, i think. it's something we need more of; to get beyond petty combative politics and ideology and to solutions born of understanding.

i love it when a person takes their pet for a walk
and stands patiently
waiting
while it shits all over someone's lawn

i can't believe the government is banning cloves (and other flavored cigarettes). i mean, i haven't smoked any kind of cigarette in years, but i've enjoyed cloves in the past and i imagine if i ever wanted to smoke anything again, it might be nice to smoke something that had a pleasant flavor to it. this is nanny-state bullshit that the government has no business doing. imo. fuck the children. fucking thing sucks.

sprites > polygons.

anyone that uses the phrase "wake up" or "sheeple" can safely be assumed to be full of crap.

i haven't seen any of my friends since july
of last year
i haven't so much as hugged anyone in three and a half years (besides my mom)

this is all my fault, of course. left to my own devices, i tend to isolate myself. there used to be friends' houses, places where people hung out, places i could show up at if i wanted to. but people moved on, and those places are long gone. so with nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no money to do it with, i do mostly nothing. i have my computer, and it has the internet, and some music, and a few games and that's it. i go for walks alone sometimes, usually to places away from people, or at times people are less likely to be around. because i have anxiety around strangers. this is my life.

sometimes i'm okay with this. sometimes i remind myself of my own insignificance in time and space; i'm one of six and a half billion, on a tiny little rock floating in space. a hundred years from now, no one will know i ever existed. whatever i think or feel is really inconsequential to anyone but me, and sometimes i can convince myself that even that isn't true.

so sometimes it's alright. sometimes, through vacant numbness or distraction i can feel okay. but other times it really doesn't feel okay at all. sometimes it's awful. sometimes i'm crying and screaming inside (not outside, because, you know, i have some defect that prevents me from doing that without someone i implicitly trust present; a proverbial shoulder to cry on).

i guess what i'm saying here is if you ever have love in your life, if you ever share a laugh with someone, even if things aren't always so good, consider yourself lucky. lucky, that you get to experience the highs, along with the lows.

Rest in peace, John Hughes. Some of my favorite movies - Planes, Trains & Automobiles, The Breakfast Club - came out of this guy's head.

i need to move mountains.

mine are all in my head.

it's good shit.

fuck all this.

my new philosophy of life is not giving a shit

i don't think anybody knows this, but i have something of an interest in fashion (also, pretty people). over the last few years, i have acquired a small collection of images from boards.

( some of my favorites )

in a hundred years, none of this will matter.

it's my only consolation.

the datsun 510 is such an awesome car. just sayin.

oh fuck, temporary insanity!

nothing ventured, nothing gained

but if i kill myself, this will be why

what's this then? i feel emboldened. a renewed sense of urgency courses through me. life is short! seize this moment! hahah... this will not end well, i fear. fuck you fear! you will not control me. i will reach out, i will seek, and i will find. and i will live. and if they judge, let them judge. i will not let fear of shame control me. my situation DOES NOT define me. i have worth, damn you. this is my struggle, but i WILL overcome.